Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Oh no, I will not be eating your food!!!


Oh hell no.......and don't ask again.  I'm not gonna be eating your food.  So don't offer to bring me some of your world famous peach cobbler or that bean salad you make that'll make your tongue slap your brains clean out.  I'm just gonna go ahead and take the zero.  I'm not gonna be eating your food. I'm not gonna be eating anything at the office potluck.
 There is no such thing as the "stomach flu" that's been going around the office.  That's just nasty ass people that don't wash their goddamned hands; putting their paws in someone's food.
 So don't bother asking me if I will be participating in the office potluck.  To me, potluck equals nausea, stomach cramps, violent vomiting and wild bowels (yeah that kind of vicious diarrhea that'll make your ass feel like a flamethrower).
 I don't know you, we just work together.  I can see how nasty you are at work.  Not washing your hands when you're in the bathroom. Scratching your ass or digging in it good and hard and then putting those french fries in your mouth in the breakroom.  Digging in your nose right before you grab your cellphone and take that call you've been waiting on. Scratching your crotch and then sniffing your fingers. Sneezing into your bare hands and wiping it on your pants.  I hear you talk about those cats at home, I just assume they're standing on your counter while you're making that potato salad....licking out of the bowl.....you nasty cow!!!

Nope, not this little black duck.  I'm gonna take the zero.  To me, office potlucks will wipe out a slew of people in the office quicker than Kryptonite will kill Superman.  But it's not gonna happen to me......because I'm not eating anyting!!!
 
Nope not me!!!  And please, don't ask again.  I'm not gonna eat your nasty ass food!!!
Make my ass feel like a flamethrower?!? No thank you, I'm good.


146 comments:

  1. Well shit...so let me get this straight man....you won't be eating their food? Lol...man u are a stone cold trip man. This post had me damn near crying over here..this shit was as funny as watching that dumbass dude that tried to jump into a solid rock frozen ass pool. Fucking hilarious even.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell no Dirty Red, I will not be eating their food.

      Delete
  2. LMAO!!! OMG! You are a fool! LOL! I'm with you though...I do not eat everybody's cooking. No sir and no ma'am!!! Some people just look nasty, whether they are or not. We're having a potluck luncheon next Friday...I will eat whatever is store bought and from one person whose cooking I have had many, many times and that's all I'm going to be able to do. I'm not trying to get the ptomaine! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm gonna be honest with you Crystal, I'm concerned about some of that stuff that comes straight outta a box too.

      But I'd rather eat that stuff, than something that someone cooked with their own two mitts......and I don't know them.

      Delete
  3. ROFL....Reggie you are off the chain! A definitely delight to what started off to be a blah day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well then I'm glad that I could pick up your day No Labels.

      ....I'm serious about this though......dead serious.

      Delete
  4. Dude, I've eaten some pretty rough meals from many of my tenants and have gotten the BG's many-a-time.
    It was the best they had to offer so I just sucked it up and took the runs like a man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not me John, I'd rather not get the BGs. No, I think I'll just take the zero.

      Delete
  5. ROTFLMAO funny post Reggi, but you are on point. And with all the flu and stomach and vomiting bugs going round at work at the monent I might just skip a few meal deals too :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me, in the long run if you value your stomach BareFoot Countessa....you'll skip them.

      Delete
  6. We're a lot alike, Reggie. And it's not just work folk whose food I will not eat, it's just people in general. Unless I know you really, really well and know your kitchen hygiene habits I will not touch your food. I'm notorious for "just having eaten" when certain people offer me food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I don't eat anyone's food Val. The people that know me, know that. The people that know me, won't even ask.

      They know I'd be giving them "that look" for a reason.

      Delete
  7. I dread potlucks, they are the most awkward social gatherings ever... And it's always the people who make nasty looking food who INSIST that you try some. Bitch, fuck your potato salad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with you Alley....fuck that bitch and no, I won't be trying your green potato salad....or that blue jello salad they're quick to make with nuts on it.

      Fuck that!!!

      Delete
  8. I have to admit, people at my job (and/or their spouses) can cook. I've never left a potluck disappointed. I admit I was wondering about it the first time we had one, but I was good after that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, you're still young J.A.H. Right now you've probably got the constitution of a billy goat. You've yet to suffer from the flaming shits. Once you've had it, you generally don't forget it.

      Beware my young friend......beware........

      Delete
  9. OMG! Funny Reggie! I've been the one who eats willingly, because the people I've worked for and with usually do the thing right. I've had the opportunity to try some good food at potlucks. Filipino Lumpia, Mexican pico de gallo and ceveche, Guatemalan tortillas, etc.

    Then when I've worked for generous companies, we've had Noah's Bagels (with all flavors of cream cheese), or Indian food from the fav restaurant, or that top quality pizza. When I was at the library way back in the day, companies would generously send chocolates, or that salt water taffy from Atlantic City.

    I have always loved the potlucks. I tend to think positive, and have the constitution of a female billy goat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a matter of fact Anna Renee, I have some of that salt water taffy on my desk right now; and vendors will send chocolates and the like. I do tend to get those every year. I usually share that type of stuff with my staff.....but that's not what I'm talking about.

      I'm talking about those potlucks that are oh so popular this time of year. There have already been a few in my office and there will be more next week. However....Reggie won't be partaking of them, because I value my bowels. As a matter of fact, there was one that went on in my office earlier today. Not my staff, but another staff in the vicinity. I listened to a young woman comment (a greedy young woman from the look of the plate she had piled high with all kinds of fattening ass food) that the macaroni and cheese was a tad bit too salty. Salty macaroni and cheese?!? Wow!!! That shit had to be nasty!!! Good thing yours truly wasn't gonna eat it. No, Reggie values his bowels so no, he won't be partaking in any office potlucks. No.....nope, not me.

      Delete
  10. I'm with you on this one Reggie. I have a delicate immune system, so unless I know you I will not eat your food. People are nasty and not worth a co-pay to the ER.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was raised to believe that you don't eat everyone's food. It's been years since I've gotten food poisoning. But you never forget the way that makes you feel.

      Yeah, people are nasty as hell.

      Delete
  11. Reggie, this entry reminds me of the church potlucks when I was little. My mom forbid us from eating anything before knowing who made what, and she knew who the dirty no-hand washing people were. I love this entry. I do the same thing now. At pot lucks, I only eat what I bring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daij you and I both know that your mom ALWAYS knows. They've got that whole mother thing going on. I know that sometimes refusing to eat other people's food will cost you friends and cause some animosity and hurt feelings....but me, I don't give a frog's fat ass.

      Delete
  12. "If you happy and you know it! and you really want to show it! Diarrhea! Diarrhea!"

    I must admit I'm prone to eating home cooked stuff brought in by colleagues - on the very rare occasion. My colleagues are almost exclusively male, would struggle to bring in a doughnut. bastards! more women please!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chrome a lot of those women don't wash their hands in the ladies room. Women in the offices I've worked in have always clued me to who doesn't wash their hands. I see men do it all the time, so I'm not surprised to hear that women do it too.

      Brother you're gonna mess around and come up with some of that European diarrhea and that's gotta be some serious shit indeed.

      Delete
  13. Reg, you are so crazy! LOL I gotta admit that I used to eat the folks potluck when I was young but now, there's no way I'd eat from folks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now you on the other hand. I'd probably go to your house BayouCreole and eat until I couldn't get up from the table. The food I've seen you post looks absolutely delicious.

      ....and while I do believe that all that glitters isn't gold, I'll bet you're very clean in the kitchen.


      Delete
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  15. I have nothing to say here. I'm just glad we've found something we can agree on. I don't do potluck, I don't do buffet. The idea of taking a chance of free food or cheap food that hundreds of people have already picked and breathed over isn't worth the effort. Better I should stay hungry and wait until I can get home than feel that gurgling and bubbling belly feeling and wonder if I can make it to a bathroom that I don't even use in the best of times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly Curious.....that's exactly how I feel.

      But hang on Curious, I'm sure that we probably agree on most things, just not some things.

      Delete
  16. That's just nasty ass people that don't wash their goddamned hands; putting their paws in someone's food.

    I couldn't agree more! As I've gotten older I am very particular of whose food I eat, and this includes foods cooked by friends and relatives. Besides the fact that you can never really tell what's on someone's mind nowadays, there is just no telling where people's hands have been.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah Don, not only nasty mofos, but crazy mofos too.

      Delete
  17. Blessings.....
    eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....i wish i could say i didn't know what you mean, i've witnessed some leaving the bathroom without washing their hands. As a practice i don't eat from much people so I never have issues cause i simply don't eat.

    Have a great day and thanks for the gross out...yuck!
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Over the years I've seen dozens upon dozens of men exit the bathroom without washing their hands. I'm one of those anal people that will go in there simply to wash my hands. I wash my hands when someone touches me, I touch someone else's phone or keyboard or if someone even sneezes around me. I'm a huge germaphobe.

      Delete
  18. yeah that not washing hands on the job is a big problem.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love your sense of humor! All jokes aside though, I'm yet to participate in a potluck at work too.(or when I used to work that is). I am very wary of people and their hygiene practices so i steer clear of potlucks. My tummy is still intact as a result:-). It's great to visit you again! Your posts are refreshing and entertaining:-). Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Stacey, by all means, please come again.

      Anyone that is prone to not be careful about exactly whose food they eat, is prone to get sick because of that practice.

      I've seen it happen too many times to too many people.....won't be me though.

      Delete
  20. Reggie,some people just lack personal hygiene and I totally understand why you won't eat other colleagues food... I'm a huge fan of hygiene so,I don't eat anyhow unless,I know the person's level of hygiene..

    First time here..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's it Becqui Nicholas....there are some nasty mofos out there.

      Delete
  21. I don't have anything wise or clever to add. I just wanted to mention that the last piece of clip art in this post made me a little barfy. Even though I kind of laughed a bit. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry about that Nicole, I thought that picture was hilarious......that's why I posted it.

      Delete
  22. Stopped in to wish you a Merry Christmas...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am right there with you, Reggie. I used to work with a lady who loved to bring homemade treats to work. This is the same lady who told me she bathed her cats in the sink. Ugh...

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wow... you see people do a lot of nasty stuff, lol.

    I wash my hands, THEN use an antibacterial wipe when I get back to my desk. If I don't have wipes, i bootleg and soak paper towels in alcohol and leave in my desk in a ziploc bag.

    Come to think of it, I rarely eat other people's food. Only the peeps with whom we tend to bring each other something good to try over the years... Emphasis on YEARS. LoL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just want to know who the nasty mofos are LadyLee and trust me, there are plenty of them out there.

      Delete
  25. Blessings Reggie:
    Just stopped in to wish you a fabulous old year into new year, all the best for the coming year, may you know joy, love and laughter infinitely

    peace.
    Rhapsody

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ha! That's so funny.Me and a coworker of mine just sit on the sidelines and shake our heads as we watch people eat the cheese that was individually placed on a plate with the bare hands of the girl who does the quick rinse in the bathroom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of our co-workers are just as nasty as a bucket of shit.

      Delete
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  28. OMG hahaa! Funny...I know now not to ever be drinking or eating when I read your blogs LOL...but seriously I'm now scared to eat at church.
    So...how do you feel about restaurants then? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thats just it Linda, I eat at restaurants knowing many are nasty. I am sure that there are many places that if I walked into the kitchen I'd never eat there again.

      I keep reminding myself that restaurants get inspected, but that still doesn't stop anyone from being nasty.

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