Yo!!! Can a brotha get a courtesy flush?!?

 

It happened again Friday; and every single time it happens, I just want to scream!!!  Once again I found myself shouting into one of the stalls in the men's room asking, "Hey....can a brotha get a courtesy flush?!?"

 

I really hate doing that.  I don't want to have to call anyone out. I don't want to have to ask.  But we've got a few men in our office that regularly use the men's bathroom on my floor that will routinely emit odors that would offend a pig's nose.

 

Usually when one of those guys is in there, some decent person will shout "code black" if they see someone else getting ready to walk into the men's room behind one of them.

 

It's as if they're trying to peel the paint off the walls. They smell the same way I would imagine a wild gorilla would smell if it's diet were too high in fiber.  All of them are big burly dudes.....but they've gotta have some serious health issues going on.  No one's insides smell like that for no reason at all. In the very least, they need to change their diets for all of our sakes.

 

There's actually three of them, there's............

Uncle Fester

 

We call him Uncle Fester, well.....because he looks like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family. His bowels are lethal and he's not opposed to allowing you to smell the full wrath of them.  He's actually the reason that I wrote this post.  When I was presented with his stench when I walked in the bathroom on Friday, I demanded that he immediately give me a courtesy flush.

 

He did.........but that was too little and far too late.  My nostrils were thoroughly offended by that juncture.

There's Beetlejuice....no not that Beetlejuice, this one.  I had to ask him for a courtesy flush one day last month. Dude's so ugly that I don't know what else we'd call him.

and there's 'Squatch, since he kinda resembles a Sasquatch.  He's a big burly hairy mofo who spends most of his day eating one unhealthy snack after another and he has the utter audacity to snack on prunes at his desk as well.  I've had to request a courtesy flush from him a couple of times since we've worked together. Because of those prunes he's so fond of there's a guy in the office that refers to him as "juicy farts", but that's just too disrespectful....even for me.

 

The three of them have been known to clear a bathroom quicker than Kryptonite will kill Superman.  And the simple truth is, they've got no shame in their game.  Although I don't believe that any of them had ever heard of the term "drop and flush", I've acquainted all three of them with it more than a few times.

 

Nasty bastards.

What is so hard about being considerate enough to respect your coworkers?!?  It's not as if they're the only people that actually use that bathroom.

Why in God's name would anyone want to subject another living soul with the smell of their insides?!?  Common decency would suggest that everyone employ the drop and flush method.

 It's just the right thing to do.

 I don't want to have to demand a courtesy flush from anyone, but if push comes to shove, I will.

Why is it so hard for some people to provide the rest of us with a timely courtesy flush?!?  It's just the decent thing to do.

She knew damned well her baby was ugly.......oh, and I did get a pedicure.

 The other day I was just minding my own business, trying to get through yet another hectic day at work; when I was confronted with one of those moral dilemmas that we're all faced with from time to time.

 

This year one of my New Year's resolutions was to try and be more honest.  Just when I think everything is going well where that is concerned. Here comes this rather "handsome woman" fresh off maternity leave sticking a picture of one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen in my life in my face. 

 

Then she has the utter audacity to ask "Reggie, isn't my baby adorable?!?"

So I looked at her and then I looked at that picture of her baby....and I looked at her again and I said "Well, look at the baby." She wasn't satisfied with that answer so she asked again "Reggie isn't my baby adorable?!?" So I looked at her again and then I looked at that picture of her baby and I said "My my".  She wasn't satisfied with that answer either, so she asked again "Reggie isn't my baby adorable?!?" So I looked at her and I looked at that picture and I said "What a smile!!" She wasn't satisfied with that answer either, so she asked again "Reggie isn't my baby adorable?!?"  So I looked at her and I looked at that picture again and I said "Well, maybe he'll grow up to be an athlete?!?"  At that, she stormed off......fortunately, she took that ugly ass picture with her.

Time and time again I've heard people say that there are no ugly babies.  Of course we all know that's bullshit, there are plenty of ugly babies and plenty of ugly people too.  Now the baby  I saw the other day wasn't the ugliest baby I've ever seen; but he was certainly ugly enough to scare a hungry dog off the back of a meat truck.  That was an ugly baby, all it needed was a piece of cheese or a cigar in it's little mouth.

As I was saying in my last post, lately I've seen some pretty busted hooves. I know you've seen them too. The temperatures have been rising lately and I keep thinking......I need to take care of my paws and my hooves too. 

See, I think it's important for both men and women to take care of both their hands and their feet.  One of the reasons that I was attracted to my wife was because she has beautiful feet.

She was the first woman that I ever remember looking at and thinking....."she's got some really nice hooves." 

 

Full disclosure......I just love looking at that woman's feet!!!

 

 If your dogs are barking and your paws are ragged, I'd suggest you take your ass to the nearest salon and get that shit taken care of.  It is that time of year and the last thing I or anyone else wants to see is someones busted hooves.

Some of you may have noticed that I was missing in action for a few days, from this past weekend until the beginning of the week.  Well I took the wife to Myrtle Beach for a few days of rest and relaxation.  Now I'd been to Myrtle Beach a few times, once to fly to Miami and a couple of other times to go shopping.  But before this past weekend, I'd never seen the beach except when I was airborne on my way to South Beach. We had a great time and while I was there we stopped and got manicures and pedicures......that's right, Reggie will get them.  However, although I did have a manicure six months ago or so, I hadn't had a pedicure in a while.......well, to be honest, in a long damned time.  The "lady" that gave me my pedicure kept making faces while she scrubbed my heel.  She kept mumbling under her breath in her native tongue to the "lady" (who looked like a dude in drag) sitting next to her giving my wife a pedicure.  I took a picture and captured the moment for prosperity below.  I shouldn't have tipped her ass, but I did.  See, I don't hold a grudge.  Besides, she did some justice to both my paws and my hooves.

 I almost took a closer picture of my feet, but I didn't want to make any of you jealous.  After all, mine are some rather nice hooves........they are now anyway.

She's wrong for that!!!

 Holiday Heart was at it again today at the job.

...and before you say..."Hey Reggie you're foul, stop making fun of the office tranny."  I'm not, it's a woman, she just happens to look like Ving Rhames with a wig on....and that's on her best day.

 

She's a really nice person, she just doesn't think that her appearance is particularly important.  That's why she walks around with that wig on that couldn't be move obvious if it came with a chinstrap, that's forever tilted to the side so often that I constantly want to reach up and straighten it out for her. What's really a shame and a scandal though are those crusty hooves she's quick to air out in those open toed shoes that have NEVER EVER had a pedicure.

Sure it was hot today, 80 degrees...but even that isn't a reason for her to have those dogs proudly out and barking.

 Would it really hurt her to get a pedicure?!?

 

Okay before you go off, I realize that many many many people never get a pedicure....and that's fine, provided you take care of your own hooves.  But even I will get one at least once a year.  I don't want to walk around looking like I've got corn shucks on my heels.

 

and...is it really necessary for her to walk around with those crusty hooves that look like she walked through flour with dirt under her toenails?!?  She's got so much dirt under those toenails that you could probably grow potatoes under there.

 

I mean, human feet aren't supposed to look like hers look.  Someone I know needs to do better.

I'm just saying..........

I watch..............

 Tonight marks the start of the 3rd season of Game Of Thrones.  I don't know if you've ever seen it, but I absolutely love the show.

It's rather imaginative and well written; with fascinating characters and interesting plot twists.  Those of us that watch the show have waited a very long time for this 3rd season to start.

I realized something today....Game of Thrones is the only series on television that I actually watch on a regular basis. I don't watch anything on network television and I don't watch any other series on cable that isn't news related or some kind of political show.  Not with consistency anyway. I don't like the idea of watching reality television shows and I haven't seen anything else that moves me enough to watch it constantly.

I can't wait to see how this season of Game of Thrones unfolds.  Of course, if I really wanted to know, I could just read the books by George R. R. Martin. But the simple truth is that I'd prefer to just watch the series.

I do watch television everyday.  But I tend to watch a lot of news shows and The Military History Channel, ESPN, The Discovery Channel, The Food Network, Animal Planet and The History Channel.  What I do watch occasionally are Real Time with Bill Maher and Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough.

I like Bill Maher, I think he's funny as hell!!!  While I don't always agree with him, I find his wit hilarious.  I like how he doesn't always take himself too seriously and I like his passion for some topics....even though some of those topics are of things I couldn't possibly care less about.

 

As a matter of fact, I've been watching Bill Maher's "politically incorrect" shows for more than 20 years now.

Often I will watch Morning Joe before and as I get ready to go to work in the mornings.  I like his show because it does a pretty good job of presenting both political sides fairly evenly.

I don't always agree with Joe Scarborough, but I don't always disagree with his political views either.  To me, he acts like an adult.  He doesn't always just spit out the party line, he forms his own opinions based on his personal experience and what he considers to be logical.  He has no problem calling out members of any political party....including his own for their stupidity.

 

No, I don't always agree with him, but I do respect the man.

 Tell me, what do you watch on television?!?

Those damned Girl Scouts!!!!

 Damn those Girl Scouts!!! 

 

I saw them standing in front of the grocery store again today.   Those disgusting little wenches!!! Trying to look all sweet and whatnot.  Pimping those damned tasty assed cookies and trying to lay that heavy guilt trip on a brother.

You know.....their "Please mister please buy my cookies."

 

 

 They must go through some serious mind altering psychological training to learn how to make those pleading eye faces like that damned cat from Puss N Boots.

I can't let them get me, I can't be deterred!!!

 

 

I'm trying hard....so hard to eat right and exercise on a regular.

 

 

 I exercise on a regular basis, not to get buff mind you; I'm just trying to avoid getting titties.  Titties on a man just aren't cute.

 

 

I'm trying to knock this B-cup I'm sporting down.  Sure that C-cup looks good on my wife, but it sure as hell wouldn't look good on me.  If mine get any bigger I'm gonna need a manzierre or maybe even a bro.

 

Trust me that's just not a good look on a man.

 Truth be told, I'm a straight up fiend for some Thin Mints.  Some Thin Mints and a big ass glass of ice cold milk are the business!!!

 

 

I've sat and eaten a sleeve or two of those damned cookies many a day.

Do you like Girl Scout cookies?!? I sure as hell wish I didn't!!!

I've got a wait problem, I can't wait to eat!!!

 Yesterday due to yet another hectic day at work, I missed lunch yet again.  That probably happens three times a week.  I've gotta make it a point to do better. 

It's not like I want to miss lunch, it's just that there are times when I'm so damned busy that it feels like one minute it's 10:30am and the next thing I know it's 2:45pm.  I have far too many days like that; meeting after meeting, conference call after conference call.

 

And it's not like my stomach didn't notice, but like always it seems to notice just a tad bit too late. Truth be told, I was so hungry that I could have eaten the boogers out of a dead man's nose and asked for seconds............well, maybe it wasn't quite that serious, but I was sho nuff hungry!!!

For the rest of the day, I ended up fiending on a good steak.  While sitting in a leadership meeting from 3pm-5pm, I sat there drooling, thinking of a New York Strip or a nice Filet Mignon from Ruth Chris's or Shula's Steakhouse.  Those are two of my favorite steakhouses and what I seem to fiend on when I'm really hungry. 

What do you want when you're really really hungry?!? What's your favorite place to eat?!?

Now I'm totally pissed off!!!!

I rarely watch network television; and when I do, it's usually just to watch football or baseball.

 

But this evening in a moment of complete boredom and the fact that my television was already on that channel anyway.....since I was watching the SuperBowl last night, I actually watched a little bit of our local news.

 

....and I wish that I hadn't.

The news is usually depressing enough, but I saw something that really disturbed me and pissed me off all at the same time.

 

 Because the news segment that I saw, had to do with an elderly man that was over 100 years old being "allegedly abused" by a young man that worked at the nursing home that he was living in.  The nursing home, I might add, that his family just assumed that he was being well cared for in.

He had apparently mentioned to his granddaughter that sometimes "bad things" happened there.....and sometimes those "bad things" happened to him.  From the sound of the news segment, it seemed that either the old dude was starting to lose it and his granddaughter was skeptical or perhaps he was just being cryptic out of embarrassment over what was happening to him.

In an effort to understand just what was going on with her loved one, his granddaughter had left a video camera in his room to record what happens to him when she's not there.

Well apparently the old gentleman was actually being sexually assaulted by one of the young men that worked there......and the final assault was actually caught on tape.

That's right, he wasn't getting beaten up, like what happens to so many elderly patients at these types of facilities (and yes I'm gonna get back to that in just a minute), he was being sexually assaulted.  At the end of the news segment, they showed the mugshot of the booty snatching attendant.  Yes thankfully, they arrested him and took his ass to jail.

This story really pissed me off, because it reminded me of just what happened to my own dear grandfather.

My grandfather was a farmer who lived in central Alabama throughout his entire life.

He was born in 1913 to a bi-racial farmer in Clanton, Alabama.  After just a few years of school, he left school to help my great grandfather work the family farm full time.  While he toiled on that farm, tilling the soil and raising livestock, a few of his siblings and all of his children went to college.  All of his grandchildren went to college.  Many of us have at least one degree, more than a few have master's degrees.

My grandfather dedicated himself to working from sun up to sun down on that farm.  He worked hundreds of acres of land; raising livestock, planting crops.....doing back breaking work.  He was the most fit man that I ever met.  When I was a college student and he was in his 70s and I would help him on his farm, he could run rings around me.  He never seemed to tire and like most farmers he worked as long as the sun was up and often times beyond that.

He was a good natured man with a wealth of common sense.  He went to church every Sunday and laughed often.  He was downright funny and I could tell you stories about him that would have you wetting your pants.  Many of the things that I routinely say now, I say because I heard him say them many many many times.

When I look at my generation and I see the many successful, intelligent people that are his grandchildren, I see a little bit of him in all of us.

Well, when my grandfather turned 75 or so, we could all see that he was starting to change.  His mind wasn't quite as sharp anymore and within time, he started becoming easily confused, he started forgetting things that he had known like the back of his hand, he forgot our names and sometimes he told us things he wouldn't have in years prior.

Alzheimer's destroyed the man I knew.

So my family placed him in a long term care facility.  It wasn't very far from where he lived and my mother, one of my aunts and my uncle regularly visited him there.  His children were looking after him.  One day my mother went there to see him on her way home from work and they wouldn't let her see him.  They made many lame excuses, but my mother wouldn't be deterred.  They asked her to come back the next day and she refused.....instead she called my uncle.

When my uncle got there....ready to burn the place down if they wouldn't let him see his father, they finally admitted that there had been an "accident".

One of the attendants that worked in the facility in maintenance; viciously attacked my 80 year old grandfather earlier in the day and beat him to within an inch of his life.

Oh I have never wanted to kill anyone in my life......like I wanted to kill that young man; and I wasn't the only one.  The only reason why he is alive today is because he was arrested immediately.  I'm sure that someone in my family would have found him if he wasn't fortunate enough to get arrested.

But that's another story, he went to jail and there is a small part of me that's glad that I didn't have anything to do with burying him somewhere down a dirt road in Alabama..........a small part of me anyway.

My grandfather eventually recovered, my family sued that facility and ended up with enough money to pay someone to come by his house and care for him, along with my grandmother, until he died 7 years later.

My family wouldn't have known what happened to my grandfather, if they didn't go and see him on a regular basis.

There are times that I hear of elder abuse even now, years later and I get angry as hell all over again!!!

There's a special place in hell reserved for the type of people that abuse those that can't defend themselves. 

Anyone of us, or all of us could end up in a long care facility like this.  If you have loved ones that require this type of care, please look after them.  If you're not willing to look in on them and make sure that they're alright, maybe no one will.  Maybe, just maybe your loved one (or even you one day) could end up in a living hell..........day in, day out for the rest of their natural lives.

Crusty hooves and Tranny-esque style

 Today I was witness to a crime.....a crime I might add that unfortunately I've seen all too often over the years.

 

Oh I know you're looking at that picture of "Holiday Heart" up there and wondering...."Why is Reggie putting holiday pictures in his post when that ended a month ago?!?"

Right?!?

 

Well, just gimme a chance here.......

Hear me.....

 

I'm a man.  I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is to be a woman.  I realize that women have it tough. I mean, take me for instance....I've been shaving my head for 25 years because I'm too lazy to brush or comb it.  But everyday without fail, I rise out of the bed and take a shower and brush my teeth.....and I don't forget the Listerine either.  I take the time to take care of the bare essentials.

 

What I'm saying is....I'm in and out of the bathroom fairly quickly and I know for the most part, you ladies need to spend extra time in there.

 

I'm not saying that's a bad thing either because I for one realize that you ladies have a lot more stuff to take care of when you're in the bathroom or just getting yourself together; and I'm sure I speak for all the fellas when I say, take that extra time.

 

Please make sure that everything is together, BEFORE you leave home.

 

Yeah, I know I haven't gotten to the point yet....but I'm getting there, so please be patient.

Okay okay okay, before I make my point......just one more thing, so please bare with me.

I don't know what the weather's like where you are, but down here in South Carolina, lately we've regularly been seeing temperatures in the 70s.....which is what happened today.

 

Which has something to do with "said crime".

 

You see, unfortunately, some of the "ladies" down here....and specifically in my office haven't adjusted to those warm temperatures when it was fairly cold for a couple of weeks earlier in the year.

 

Hey, I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

So......................

 

Apparently some of the ladies in my office ended up coming out of that "wrap" or that "wig" or that "scarf" they had on their heads prematurely....before they could properly take care of that bargain basement weave they've been sporting for a couple of weeks under it; and they've decided to jump the gun and put on those open toed shoes BEFORE getting that much needed pedicure too. 

In short, with those jacked up weaves and busted hooves they're sporting.....I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, they look like trannies.

 

Yeah, trannies.  I said it.  It is what it is.

 

 Please please please don't walk around looking like you've walked through flour or that you're part Wookie or Hobbit on your mother's side or that you've just walked ten miles on a rocky road or cement barefoot.  Before you whip out those hooves....please take the time to do that thing that so many of you are decent enough to do.

Do what you want to with your feet......get a pedicure or don't, just don't make the rest of us have to look at it too if your feet are jacked up and crusty and you decided to wear open toed shoes.

If your weave....or your natural hair or whatever the hell you've got up there and your feet look like this........

 

I................why?!?

 

Why?!?

 

Why?!?

Look here, all I'm saying is that if you're gonna sport those open toed shoes, then at least have the common decency to get a pedicure...........before someone loses their lunch and last night's dinner too.  Before you share your 'do with the world, get your head taken care of..................please!!!! Don't kick that tranny-esque style.  It's just not a good look.

 Yeah I know you've heard of Gangnam Style, well clearly there's a Tranny Style too.