Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Swine flu

On a regular basis I work entirely too many hours, so this past Monday I scheduled some much needed "me time". Rather than indulge in the mindless pursuits that I typically enjoy, I wanted to do something different. I decided to go to a museum for a little mental stimulation. I'd always meant to go to the local museum, I just never got around to it. I must admit though that I was a little disappointed in the limited number of artifacts on display; particularly since Charleston is one of the oldest and most historic cities in our country. In addition to the rather sparse selection of exhibits, there were a few other things about my outing that made it exponentially unenjoyable - the size of the museum (it was small) and the coup de gras, while I was taking in Confederate relics, an old man sneezed on me.

Before I go any further, I realize that pigs have nothing to do with swine flu, I just liked the picture. So before you call me on that, slow your roll.

Are you familiar with that old adage to know thyself?!? Well, I'm what you would call an extremely anal germaphobe. I'm the kind of guy that uses hand sanitizer ten times a day and goes to wash his hands whenever he touches someone or something that doesn't look clean. I have always gone straight to the bathroom after shaking anyone's hands or even if I have to use someone else's phone or keyboard. Yeah I know I'm anal but that's okay it works for me. I like to think that the reason that I rarely get sick is because I'm so anal, but who knows?!?

Anyway, the minute that the elderly man sneezed on me at the museum I was pissed. I was torn between making the old dude spit Chicklets or just going home immediately to take a shower. Damned if I wanted to end up with this old codger's swine flu!!! Rather than go to jail and end up on the NBC Nightly News I decided to cut my mental stimulation short and just get out of the place so that I could de-sanitize myself from head to toe.

Later on that day after I finally made it home and after I tried to scrub all my skin off with sanitizer; I took advantage of the good weather we were having and walked around the golf course that's directly behind my house because I needed the exercise. I've never actually played golf a day in my life, but I live on Wescott golf course here in Summerville, so I like to get my walk on in the evenings. I try to walk everyday but I especially look forward to that walk after a long hard day at work. But hey, I walk it even when I don't work, after all, it's good exercise.
Whenever I walk around the golf course I try to be careful not to disturb the golfers; particularly since most golfers are even more anal than I am or they wouldn't be golfers. I figure you've gotta be anal as hell to chase that little white ball around after whacking it with that stick or club or whatever. All the while dodging both the man made (hills & sand wedges) and natural obstacles (alligators and birds) that make up a golf course. I'm always respectful enough to stop walking until they've made their shots and I'm also careful not to walk in front of them; because I've learned that some of them aren't opposed to trying to hit me with their balls. It just so happens that none have been successful yet, when they are I'll probably make the news that day. Anyway Monday when I walked up behind some golfers there were four of them. I believe that's called a foursome which sounds like one too many to me. Anyway one of them received a cellphone call and answered it and sounded really concerned before he told whoever he was speaking to that he'd be right there and hung up. After he hung up he apologized to the other golfers and told them (I was probably about 25 feet away from them) that his 4 year old son has swine flu with a temperature of 104.5 and that now that his temperature has spiked that he's going to meet his wife at the emergency room. As he was trying to leave one of the other golfers went off and started cursing him out about ruining his golf outing by his up and leaving with his bullshit excuse.
I know this conversation was none of my business, but it seemed to me that the man had a really good reason to leave. Personally I wouldn't have argued with that idiot, I would have just left. Like I said, golfers are anal as hell and apparently some of them are rather stupid. They actually argued for a few minutes and I was sure they would come to blows at one point but the other two men broke it up before it got that serious. Two of them ended up leaving and going to the hospital and the one man that was initially upset kept cursing both of them and telling them to never call him again and that as far as he was concerned they were both a couple of pussies.

In any case, I told you all of this to say that I don't think that I have swine flu, I think I'm alright. If that old man had given me swine flu then I'd have had to go find him and punch him in his head. I absolutely hate being sick.


  1. See, that other golfer was just being an inconsiderate fucktard. I wouldn't have said SHIT. I woulda been like "Family Business calls" and JETTED.

    But I really don't like to shake folks hands, anyway. Not that I'm a germaphobe of any kind. I've just never been a hand shaker. I'll do the fist bump like Eddie and J.C on "New York Undercover" before I shake anybodies hand. I don't even hug folks too much, unless they family. I have a 2 feet rule.

  2. interesting segways brother reggie, but I am glad you are okay. I would like to know more about that golf course, what year did it first allow for black members?
    have any pictures? if it allows black members, why don't you play when it is neighbor to your home?

  3. Wizzy I hear you, but when you're in a business meeting or meeting a business partner there isn't much choice. Now as far as the office is concerned, if I see someone not wash their hands in the men's room or dig in their noses with wild abandon; then they immediately lose handshaking privileges permanently. No exceptions.

    I guess mine isn't a two feet rule, it's more like a nasty motherfucker rule.

  4. I have never played golf brother MK, I'm not interested in the least. It is a private golf course, I have seen a stray brother or two out there, but there aren't many.

    Here's the link to the golf club.

  5. heres a good question... if buddy's son was sick with the SWINE FLU what in GODS NAME was HE doing out playing GOLF?

    I dont know about anyone else... but IF one of my children was sick... the LADt thing on my mind would be golf.

    and the guy that got mad at him is an idiot... im JUST SAYIN!

  6. If his son was sick . . . would he not potentialy be a carrier??? Glad you are well ...Adrienne

  7. Adrienne it's always good to hear from you!!!

    Maybe he was a carrier; but regardless, his ass should have been home with his sick four year old son.

  8. Oink Oink! I love this post! I too am a germaphobe. Long before swine flu, bird flu and SARS, I was covering my face when some germ coughed without covering! My finger cringe at the thought of touching a germy computer keyboard. I'm a public school educator and do you know how many gross things I've seen underneath keyboard caps??? You don't wanna know. Stay well. . .

  9. I can do more than only imagine Creative Lady, because I've been looking underneath keyboard caps too!!!

    I've always believed that rather than 7 dwarfs, there were originally 10; and the other 7 told cheesy, funky and nasty to get the hell out!!!

  10. i wouldnt have gave 2 shits what old boy had to say i wud have been seeing about my son and save d the argument. im a germaphobe too Reg i have stock in purell and lysol

  11. I have at least two containers of Lysol in the bottom of my desk right now Budda and plenty of hand sanitizer. I keep hand sanitizer in my car never know.